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| Acurate |
We all know that one guy. The one guy who wears shorts the
entire year. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor
gloom of night, no matter what the weather is, shorts are that guy’s
preferred attire.
I am that guy.
Growing up in the northeast, we experienced our fair share
of less than seasonable weather. I also had my fair share of winter weather
clothing as a youth. I put my snow boots on wearing Wonder bread bags. I had
the pairs of mittens that had a string running up your sleeve that fastened
both mittens together to ensure there was no way to lose just one mitten. You
had to lose both of them together. I had the little pompoms on my winter hat. We
always had the lined up winter boots melting snow onto the floor right by the back
door. I knew that when you were snow blowing a driveway to always shoot the
snow downwind, no matter the circumstances. I had the cold weather thing down
to a T.
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| This is also an acceptable way to put on a Survival Suit. So it's nautical. |
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| You may lose your mittens, but at least they will be lost together. |
Now that I’m an adult (arguable), I’m done with snow. I
moved to the south. No more blizzards for me. Sure we get a snow storm or two
down here. But the worst thing that happens is that they close school for a
week. Apparently, the south agrees with me that shoveling should be done by the
sun.
Alas, sometimes my job keeps me up in the northeast during
the winter. This winter has been no exception. The work has been steady and
plentiful. But it has also been cold. Cold winters kind of go hand in hand with
keeping busy. And as long as people keep using home heating oil, the work
transporting home heating oil to those in need will continue.
This year hasn’t been particularly cold. We have had some
cold snaps. But the weather usually turns warmer after a few days. There have
been a few days where the temperature was below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. That
magical number where water freezes and the weather personalities on TV lose
their collective minds. Pipes freezing, wind chills, Real-Feel temperatures,
wearing layers, exposed skin, etc. all ad nauseum on the news when the magic
number appears on the Exclusive Accu-Weather forecast. But so far, nothing that
would prevent me from continuing to wear shorts 365. Until 2 weeks ago.
I have a few weather related phrases that drive me crazy.
First and foremost, “safely out to sea”. I loathe this one. Sure, the weather
system is going out to sea, away from everyone on land. Except for us. Those of
us that work out to sea are about to get an ass kicking. Thanks, weather reading
bobble head. A close second is, “frozen tundra”. Tundra, by definition, is
frozen ground. So saying frozen tundra, is really just saying frozen frozen
ground. So stop it. And the third weather cliché, and the reason for this post,
is the newly emerging one, “polar vortex”. It popped up a few years ago for
some reason. And now anytime the mercury dips down low, some newscaster has to
explain a brief dip on the thermometer as being caused by a “polar vortex”. I’m
sure I have a social media post out there threatening the first TV personality
to mutter “polar vortex” with irreparable harm.
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| Not all weather is bad. Look at that relative humidity. |
Which brings me to the point of this post. Finally.
A few weeks ago, the dreaded polar vortex descended upon the
northeast. Concurrently, we were also scheduled to crew change in the
northeast. I flew in Boston’ Logan Airport decked out in my New England
Patriots sweatshirt (it was a few days before the Super Bowl) and a trusty pair
of shorts. A slight breeze was blowing and a gentle snow was falling as well.
It was below that magical 32 degrees, but I wasn’t planning on spending a long
duration outdoors, so I could still pull off wearing shorts and a hoodie. The
boat was delayed getting into the berth so I picked up the Chief Engineer and
we headed off to do a bit of grub shopping and buy some new linens for the tug.
After wasting a bit of time in the local Target store we headed out with our
cache of food and our recently purchased Star Wars and Avengers bed sets. As we
loaded our items into the car, the temperature had taken a noticeable dip and
the wind had increased substantially. “I’m still good”, I thought, wrongly so. We
next made a stop off at the neighboring Wendy’s fast food establishment. Where
the Chief got some food and I bought (wait for it) a Frosty. We headed back out to the car to
finally go meet the boat at the dock, which is when I made a fateful decision.
I swung the car around and we headed back to Target.
“Hey, the guy with the shorts is back!” the cashier at
Target greeted me. “What you forget?”
“Pants. Mistakes were made.” I replied sullenly.
The guy who wears shorts 365 days a year, had finally met
his match.
In my hand was a pair of sweat pants and two pairs of
gloves. My Engineer had bought himself a winter jacket during our earlier foray
at this particular Target store. I, one the other hand, had bought a pair of
flip flops. Our priorities were quite a bit different. However, the Chief had neglected
to buy a pair of gloves. At this point, knowing that a pair of pants, even for
me, as going to be required. I figured a $5 pair of gloves would be a welcome
purchase. So $30 later, I walked out of Target with a pair of pants and two
pairs of gloves.
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| It's colder than a witch's... Well, you know. |
And never has $30 been so well spent.
When we got to the dock, the temperature had dropped to 2
degrees. The wind was blowing a steady 30 mph. I’ll let you do your own wind
chill math. It was COLD. As we sat in the car blasting the heat and waiting
until the absolute last minute to grab our purchases and make a mad dash run to
the boat, one of our other crew was parked next to us. He cracked his window
just enough for me to hear him.
“Are you wearing shorts?” he teased.
“Yes.” I didn’t tell him they were under my newly purchased
sweatpants.
The weather had beaten me.
