Sunday, July 1, 2012

Flying the Friendly(?) Skies

Getting on an airplane is apparently one of the most difficult things a human being can do. Ever.

It has to be. I always thought it was no big deal. But the more I fly, the more I realize how it is a really complex task for some people.

Lets just start with zone boarding. If you are zone #1, you get to go first. Zone #2 gets to go next. And so on and so forth. Simple, right? Oh nay nay. Zone #6 people, can't quite comprehend when they are going to be called. So they crowd the podium, hoping upon all hope, that their number will be miraculously called right after the First Class people get on board. It's not. And it isn't going to get you on the plane any earlier if you prevent everyone else from getting aboard in an expedient manner. Go sit down, study your plane ticket, and memorize your seat number. Because after trying to figure out what zone comes after #4, your next complex task is trying to figure out where seat #17B is.

I enjoy the people who walk down the aisle looking at the overhead bins straining to anticipate what seat comes next after passing row #11. “Could it be #12? Let me check. What seat am I in? Is seat A near the window or is A for Aisle? It has both letters and numbers! Ahhhh! Let me check again!! Where am I?”

All the while, as they keep checking their boarding pass for the off chance that their seat number may have changed in the last 1.6 seconds since they checked it last, they are abusing the knees and elbows of those poor people who actually knew where their seats were, with their carry on luggage. You know the carry on luggage that doesn't have a chance to fit in the airport “sizing cage” that conveniently is never used. The one so heavy that they can't pick it up and are forced to try to wheel it down the aisle getting it caught on every single armrest from first class all they way to the rear of the plane. And, as it is getting snagged on every obstruction imaginable, they turn around and swing their over-sized purse and/or handbag around and smash everyone within a 3 seat radius in the face.

Then, once they locate seat #24B it's time for everyone's favorite game, “Luggage Tetris”. The futile attempt to try to squeeze an elephant into a Mini Cooper. Time to punish the patrons who are actually able to follow the rules about having one carry on bag. Shifting all the bags around from one side to the other, forwards or backwards, into three different compartments, or just plain 'ole crushing your bag until their bag fits. Well, kind of fits. That is always fun to watch. Especially when two of the stewardesses get involved. The more the merrier. Plus, you need at least two of them to Hulk Hogan the bin closed. Shoulder straps that are hanging out of the bin be damned!

Quick hint here: If the bin is closed before you get there, it's full. There is no more room. It's full. That's why the bin is closed. It's full. So they closed it. Because it's full. Get the point? Stop opening all of them. It's full.

This is where it gets confusing,. They have the aisle correct, trust me, they checked 38,684 times on the way there. But now they have a letter thrown in there. Scary. Sometimes the airlines like to mess with you. Make the seats Go A-C, instead of A-B-C. It's a trap! If you have a window seat, I guarantee you that the person in the aisle seat got there first. And they put on their seat belt already. Then you get to do the “airplane aisle salsa” and switch all around. All the while the person in seat #23 is swinging around hitting you with their giant handbag as they pound their carry on into the bin with the Jaws of Life.

As you can imagine, getting off the plane is just as much fun.

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