“I'm screwed. I'm totally screwed.”
Which pretty much sums up how my day was going.
Have you ever gotten that really bad
feeling that your world is about to come to a screeching halt?
Can you imagine how a taxi driver would
feel if he lost his car keys? How about a cop misplacing his sidearm?
Ever lost something that was so important that words cannot describe
the pit of despair that has formed in your stomach?
For a United States Merchant Mariner if
you ever want to feel completely powerless and fear that you may lose
your job in the blink of an eye, lose your TWIC card.
I know. I know. I can already hear
people saying, “What is a TWIC card?”
Briefly, a TWIC card is a
Transportation Worker Identification Credential. A fancy way of
saying “an expensive ID badge”. That's all it is. It is suppose
to be an all-encompassing, biometric, totally fool proof, forgery
proof, accepted everywhere ID card. Which sounds great on paper.
Instead, no one knows what it is. It can't be used with a card
scanner. Not everyone accepts it. And the agency that issues it has
employees that even have no idea what it is. The bigger problem that
I have with it is: I already had one. It was called a Z-Card. A
Merchant Mariners Document, if you will. It had a magnetic strip
(that was useless as well). A picture of my handsome mug. All the
personal info that was fit to print. And, it too, was also
unbeknownst to everyone else on the planet as to what it was.
Seems as though the TWIC card was a
perfect solution to a problem that didn't exist.
However, as useless and as redundant as
the TWIC card is, don't lose it. Even though you have a
little orange passport looking book with all of your merchant mariner
info in it that is a perfectly acceptable substitute, that makes no
difference to the gate keeper at a terminal who is just barely able
to keep the ketchup off their uniform during their midnight feeding.
The TWIC card is the end all-be all of security. Useless, expensive,
redundant, it may be, but you gotta have it or there is no going to
work for you.
So started my Friday afternoon.
We had just returned from a
“back-to-school” shopping trip, and I was emptying my pockets of
the amassed collection of assorted receipts and random pocket lint. I
took out my wallet to replace the previously used credit cards and
noticed that my TWIC card was missing from its usually storage area.
Not that odd considering I use it as my ID to get on the plane to go
to and from work (I paid good money to get this stupid thing, I'm
going to use it every opportunity I get. Even if no one knows what it
is). Chances are I just left it in my other shorts or in my luggage.
Well, it wasn't. Not in the luggage, or
in the laundry, nor by the computer desk, not by the bedside table,
not in the kitchen. It was no where to be found. OK, this is starting
to be bad. If it's not in the house it must have fallen out of my
pocket in the car. A quick look around the inside of the car revealed
no results. No problem. Sleep on it and we'll start anew in the
morning on our quest to find that pesky piece of plastic.
My house has never been cleaner. I
looked everywhere for that card. Not a stone, or book, or pair of
kids pajamas, or piece of paper was left unturned. It wasn't in the
house, that much I was sure of.
On to the car. Again. More thoroughly
this time. It had to be there. It better be there. I only have so
many options. Now my car is the cleanest it has ever been. So now I
have a clean house and a clean car, but no TWIC card.
Plan B (or whatever letter we are up to
at this point). If I can't find this card, what do I have to do to
get a new one so I can go back to work? Quick hint: If you are near
panic, don't try to look up information on a government website, it
will just make the situation worse.
Turns out, that if you lose your TWIC
card, the TSA will gladly issue you a new one. Great. This sounds
simple enough. They already have your information, background checks,
picture, etc. It should be easy just to make a new one and send you
on your way.
Feel free to insert maniacal laughter
at this point.
Not so much boys and girls.
First off, it's $60 to get issued a new
card (after paying $150 to get the original). You can imagine my
surprise when I found out the replacement card is NOT made
out of platinum with gold leaf inlay. $60 for a replacement card?!
OK.
Calm down. You need this card one way or the other. What else is
involved?
The TSA will gladly take your money and your receipt is considered to
be your temporary TWIC card until the new one is issued. The
temporary one is good for one week and is accepted at terminals where
you have been before and the security knows who you are. Well this
isn't getting any better. A temporary card that is good for one week
and is only accepted at terminals that I have been to before does me
absolutely ZERO good. First off, a card good for 1 week only gets me
half way through my work schedule. Secondly, we go to new terminals
all the time. We hardly ever see the same people twice. Obviously,
this is not a viable solution. So now I realize that I have
to find this stupid card. But, as most things government related, it
gets worse. Turns out, when you get issued a replacement card you
have to go to the location where you got your original card issued
from. For me, that would be in the port of NY/NJ. Trouble is, I live
over 600 miles from there. So I pay $60, to get a receipt, that is
good for a week, that is only accepted by people I know, so that in 2
weeks time I can travel 1200 miles to pick up a replacement for the
same card that I just had? Did I mention that it takes 2 weeks for
them to issue a new card? The receipt is good for a week, but it
takes 2 weeks to get a replacement. Silly math. Fit to be tied, is
the only description that I can come up with to describe my emotions
at this point. Failure is not an option.
 |
| 600 miles? Be back in 2 hours. |
At this point, my wife had joined in the search for the elusive card.
She was in the process of cleaning out her car in the hopes that it
my have ended up there. I had completely given up. I had resigned
myself to the fact that I was screwed. As I slumped into the driver's
seat of her car, an exasperated look on my face, any hope of
reuniting with my TWIC card long since gone, I related my situation
to her. “I'm screwed. I'm totally screwed.”
“Buck up little camper!” (or something to that affect) she said,
“Help me finish cleaning my car out. I still haven't looked
everywhere yet.”
Sullenly, I agreed. If I have to drive 1200 miles to get my
replacement card it might as well be in a clean car. I started with the center console. Nope, not there. Then I looked
down between the console and the driver's seat. And there, snuggled
in the upholstery, was a white plastic ID badge with a bar code on
the back. The Almighty TWIC card has been found!!! It took all of 15
seconds. Heart attack avoided.
The next day, my wife went out and bought me one of those ID holders
that you wear around your neck. I will never lose that stupid card
again!
But, if I do, I'll be sure to check between the seats of her car
first.
