Friday, May 31, 2013

The Ricotta Saga

Traveling sucks. Sometimes. Most of the time. 
Between having to deal with TSA, other travelers who have never seen the inside of an airplane before, and the inevitable weather delays it can get pretty tedious.
As mentioned before, we have a bit of a warped sense of humor out here on the water. So how do we make travel more fun (at least for some of us)? We try to get our shipmates arrested. Sort of.

Last hitch, we had a completely insane number of cartons of Ricotta cheese in the galley (maritime speak for kitchen. Although, technically, it was in the refrigerator [reefer], which is in the galley, so we’re good). There was no way we were ever going to use it all before it expired.
Although we tried.
The deckhand, who doubles as our chef extraordinaire, made enough stuffed manicotti to feed ¾ of the population of Europe. It was good. We finished it all. Suck it Europe. You can starve.
Alas, we still had some Ricotta cheese left over.
But, on crew change day, all of the cheese was miraculously gone.
Somehow, one of the leftover cartons of cheese made it into the Redneck’s bag. 

Anyone who has flown lately knows what a pain it is to fly. TSA has more rules than they know what to do with. For example, TSA has recently decided to allow people to carry pocket knives with blades less than 2.36-inches long on board airplanes (2.37” and you’re screwed). Now, take into consideration that it is still illegal to carry a bottle of Poland Spring water onto a plane. It completely boggles the mind and shows you how ridiculous airport security has become.
Now if bottled water is still out, imagine how a container of Ricotta cheese will go over?
I also submit into evidence a recording at Houston’s airport.
And I quote, “any inappropriate remarks or jokes concerning security may result in your arrest.”
I wish I was kidding. But that is a 100% truthful statement. I even have it recorded on my phone.
And so, there it is folks. If I am ever to be arrested, this is what it will be for.
It won’t be for running cocaine out of Columbia, robbing a 7-11, or stealing a Bugatti Veyron. It will be for making fun of the people at TSA. Honestly, they make it too easy NOT to make fun of them. Annoying blueberries.

When we arrived at the airport the Redneck (and his Ricotta cheese) went his separate way and we went ours.  At any moment we fully expected to hear over the Public Address system, “Security, report to checkpoint Bravo for a suspicious person”

Apparently, this is how it went down…
My Precious?
“Sir, do you have something in your bag you want to declare?”
“Did you forget to take something out?”
“Do you have a container in your bag that contains some type of liquid?”
“How did this container of Ricotta cheese get into your bag, sir?”
“I don’t know.”
“Weren’t you in control of your bag at all times before arriving at the airport?”
“Well then how did this container get into your bag without your knowledge?”
“Because I work with six assholes!”
“You work on a tugboat?”
I made that part up. But only because it’s true.

Because after explaining that he worked on a tugboat, and that his shipmates are a bunch of five year-olds, he was allowed to continue on his journey home. Sans Ricotta cheese, of course.
So, if you ever get stopped by TSA for having a container of Ricotta cheese (expired or not) in your carry-on bag, working on a tugboat is a perfectly acceptable excuse.

I wonder what would happen if it were Mozzarella or Parmesan cheese?

Maybe next time.

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